If our young Stuart Broad, angelic faced Premier All-Rounder™, is now a national treasure, with MBE’s and Gillette (the best a man can get?) adverts just around the corner apparently, he should, no must!, master the skill of the chat show.
Jonathan ‘Woss’ Ross is his adversary tonight, will he mock his girly looks (like The Leading Edge cruelly does)? Joke about that time he went mental at Bopara for misfielding off his bowling and went all “Rav! Rav! Rav!”? How many times will he mention Flintoff? And what about his old man Chris? Get your bingo boards out.
23:06 – The man is walking out! He’s walking out! Yes! To the national anthem and confetti. Even the slightly offensive and massively unfynny ‘4 Poofs and a Piano’ are standing in salute. Wonderful.
23:07 – First mention of Chris Broad. Why? Boooring. “I never got pushed or forced by my Dad to play cricket”. By all accounts it was his Mother who did all the ‘work’, i.e. throw downs and what not.
23:08 – Stuart’s sister, Gemma, as we all know, is the Team Analyst. Best job ever? Almost definitely. ‘Oi, Miss Broad, how many times did I get out LBW in 2004?’. Probably just sits on statsguru all day. Bliss.
23:10 – Celebrations? “Went out and went home”. Last man standing was at 3am. Pathetic. I’ll believe Alan Tyers instead.
23:11 – He won’t say “twat” because his Mother is watching. ‘Awwwww’ sound the crowd. Would anyone ever ‘Awww’ Flintoff? -1 man point. Slight serious point though: he does lack the Flintoff ferociousness.
23:12 – Talking of Flintoff … here we go… ‘Its off the pitch he helps us the most’. Read as: He has massively underperformed on the pitch, but is quite cool off it, maybe. Perhaps this humble blog is being too esoteric.
23:13 – Here comes the plug – ‘Ashes 2009 DVD’. Quick and painless. Thank god for that.
23:13 – Everyone’s favourite topic: Sledging. It was good in the Ashes, according to young Stuart, because the Ozzies couldn’t say anything back! How utterly ridiculous. The Saffers called him Baywatch. Oh poor Baywatch, he’s trying to claim he thought he was christened so because he resembled David Hasselhoff. Oh poor lad, The Leading Edge believes you! Ah, the honest truth, it resulted as an apparent likeliness to all-round-all-American girl Pamela Anderson. Sounds like some sort of Photoshopping opportunity to me.
23:16 – All the guests are going to face Stuart Broad’s fast bowling at the end of the show. Who, by the way, are used-to-be-funny man Ricky Gervais, all-round dickhead but good chef Jamie Oliver, and the perpetually annoying “Mika”. What a ball. Will keep you tuned.
23:31 – Everyone’s having a go at the ol’ sledge. “He looks about 11” exclaims Woss, whilst Ricky Gervais chirps in with a “He looks like a really tall Macaulay Culkin” style clanger. Heeeeee-larious.
23:35 – Baywatch is now having a bowl at the guests. Jonathan Ross gets leg slide filth. Mika gets a what I can only guess is a cleverly disguised 45mp/h slower ball, which results in the most tragic of plays and misses. Jamie Oliver has a swish. Ricky Gervais is wriggling in the background giggling disgustingly, as he always does. What a laugh!
And the credits roll! Goodnight.