Tag Archives: Monty Panesar

Mike Atherton’s Ashes webchat – Highlights

These webchat things seem to be pretty cool at the moment.  The Leading Edge never really bothers though (too busy watching rained off Pro40 games etc).  However, Michael Atherton’s latest offering caught our eye, and it’s fascinating, and pretty funny.

The first thing to say is his typing is appalling.  “that’s it, bye!! thanks for all ure questions…..” was the last sentence.  What the fuck?  Michael Atherton typing like that, all text-talk, about shatters every middle class dream and fantasy I’ve ever had.

Other than that horror, there are a number of fascinating insights…

i reckon rashid might go to south africa in place of panesar

Ignoring the appalling lack of capitalisation, this clearly shows that Rashid is sneaking ahead in the pecking order.  Seems obvious to us, and probably everybody else, but it’s always different when its confirmed like that.

Mike, Do you still play cricket? I have often wondered if retired professionals still get in a game every now and again.
Mike Atherton:  luke- off charity game, nothing more!

I always liked the idea of ex-International players going in and dominating club games.  Unsurprisingly, Pietersen  actually did do this. Another myth shattering comment from Athers.

england xi of the last 20 years: trescothick, vaughan, smith,pietersen, thorpe,stewart, flintoff, gough, Harmison, swann, anderson/caddick

This blog would go for something similar: Trescothick, Atherton, Vaughan (captain), Pietersen, Thorpe, Stewart, Flintoff, Gough, Hoggard, Fraser (so underrated!), Panesar.

athers can you talk us through how you got wasim out? from what i remember it was a bit of a contentious decision. but i prsume there was some sort of plan you were using at the time in order to get him out

Mike Atherton: he was smashing me around and i was only bowling because of our appalling over rate. i told him unless he stopped smashing me i’d bring on goughy to rough him up. he blocked the next one and was out lb

Sledging.  Athers can do it.

Is it true that Nasser Hussein is a closet Yorkshireman ?

Mike Atherton: tight as…..

“Lol”.

I am a new, novice batsman, trying to learn the ways of batting – I find it really difficult to see the quick ball – any tips?
Mike Atherton: get some glasses

I’m glad Atherton is not a coach.

I’m glad Atherton is a journalist though: he clearly is one of the best (along with…Simon Hughes, Gideon Haigh, Tim De Lisle etc.), demonstrated by his latest article.  Good times.

Leave a comment

Filed under Match Highlights

Top 5: Strictly Come Dancing

Christ, how embarrassing.

Christ, how embarrassing.

Strictly Come Dancing is a shit programme on BBC1 in which celebrities .. dance.  It’s meant to be amazing, somehow, but The Leading Edge ain’t so sure.  And of course, as we are all on the pulse of cutting edge popular culture, we all know Mark ‘Rampers’ Ramprakash actually won it!  Even Darren ‘Dazzler’ Gough didn’t do so bad.  Now bloody Phil ‘King of the Jungle’ Tufnell is going on,  Bloody hell, who next?

So The Leading Edge has compiled Top 5 cricketers who should be on Strictly Come Dancing:

1. Monty Panesar – Fan’s favourite, cult cricketer and probably one of the best known sportsmen in the country?  Check.  Complete and utter dark horse with a hint of eccentricity?  Check (for evidence, see this video).  A sort of pre-history of dancing, in the form of his very sweet little hop ‘n skip when he gets a wicket?  Check.  Strictly Come Dancing is about all ready for our Monty.

2. Geoffrey Boycott – Would be good purely for his terrifying single-bloodied-mindedness.  Look at this Test match. Geoff’s combined contribution was 211 runs from 725 balls.  Imagine that in dance form?  It would be absolutely epic, and probably both amazing and very boring.

"Aaaaaarrghhhhhh!!!!!"

Owais Shah: Quite intense.

Owais Shah: Quite intense.

3. Owais Shah – The world’s most painfully nervous person.  Think of when he comes to the crease, eyes popping out, sweat dripping down his face, the look of intensity leaves you wondering whether to be frightened, or whether to burst into laughter.  Now consider that in a hilarious-celebrity-dancing-reality-contest-show format.  Pure car crash.

4. Andrew Flintoff – “Will his knee be okay?!”, “He’s a big unit”, “He writes his own headlines”.  We’ll miss these cliches from Test cricket, so why not have them in dance?  Plus, he can have Steve Harmison as his partner which could be the most homoerotic thing ever shown on BBC.

5. Rory Hamilton-Brown – He’s such a legend.

Leave a comment

Filed under Top 5

England Player Ratings – Oh yes.

Well, well, well,  England won the Ashes.  Any team that has Peter Siddle’s pathetic excuse for facial hair in them is always going to lose as far as I’m concerned.  Easy.  Marcus North, the most English-like Australian to ever play for Australia, the man who scores century in easy circumstances but when it comes down to it goes for a slog and gets stumped, with bowling about as effective as Owais Shah, is my fellow scapegoat.  Anyway, it’s that time: ratings.  England first, obviously, because they’re … better.

Oh, and because doing rating is so cliched, yet so damn good, The Leading Edge will offer comments in a unique Haiku form.  Expect the Guardian to rip us off next series.

Andrew ‘Andy’ Strauss 474 runs @ 53
What a man, What a
Man! A cut, a nudge to square.
Captain hero!  Runs too.
9/10 (would have got 10 if he’d scored a couple more centuries)

Alistair ‘Chefy’ Cook 222 runs @ 25
Sort of looked in form,
Alas, lost his off-stump.  Where?
Blowin’ in the wind.
4/10 (fielded well, and got us off to a flyer at Lords)

Ravi ‘Hit ‘n Miss’ Bopara 105 runs @ 15
Oh Ravi, Oh Rav!
Rav, you used to be alright,
What happened? Crash, burn.
1/10 (How could he have possibly been worse!?)

Ian ‘Tinker’ Bell 140 runs @ 28
My question to you:
Score a century at 3?
Will it ever come?
5/10 (Bleurgh, I love our Ronald, but he’s got to go)

Kevin ‘KP’ Pietersen 153 runs @ 38
Oh, your poor ankle!
Oh, how do you sleep at night?
Dreaming of bad sweeps?
5/10 (Remembered only for his sweep and his heel, won without him, God forbid)

Paul ‘MBE’ Collingwood 250 runs @ 28, 1 wicked @ 76
Saved us at Cardiff,
But really you are complete
Shit.  Please go away.
5/10 (Bare minimum that could be expected, probably will be culled sooner rather than later)

Ian ‘Jonathan’ Trott 160 runs @ 80
Where is Robert Key?
It’s not ‘Where’s Wally?’  When we
have our new Trotty.
10/10 (Compare to Bopara: What more could you ask for?!)

Matt ‘Wicketkeeper’ Prior 261 runs @ 33, 11 catches and 1 stumping
Stump the night away!
Slog the damn Aussies away!
Keeps Haddin at bay…?
7/10 (Could have done with more runs from six, but kept admirably)

Andrew ‘Frederick’ Flintoff 200 runs @ 33, 8 wickets @ (look away now…) 52
Why are you so broke?
One good spell with one good throw?
Yet we love you so.
6/10 (As the Haiku so wonderfully points out: one good spell and one good throw out was slightly underwhelming)

Stuart ‘New Freddy (…Barney Rubble?)’ Broad 234 runs @ 29, 18 wickets @ 30
Yeah, yeah, like I said,
You’re pretty good, but my gosh,
don’t you just know it?
7/10 (Might have won us the Ashes, but no excuse for 3 games of complete dross with the ball)

Graeme ‘Massive Chin’ Swann 294 runs @ 36, 14 wickets @ 41
Funny runs, big chin.
Always bowlin’ with a grin,
You bowled ala fin.
7/10 (4th in both batting and bowling averages.  Who would have predicted that?)

James ‘Jimmy’ Anderson 12 wickets @ 45
Hola, King of Swing.
King for a day, oh alas,
where is the ‘Plan B’?
When ball swings: 10/10.  All other times: 2/10 (‘Nuff said.)

Monty ‘Monty’ Panesar 1 wicket @ 115
Oh Turbanator!
Why do you bowl like a bore?
When will you come back?
2/10 (Bowled terribly on a ‘spinning pitch’, but did get one of the best 7 not out’s ever)

Graeme ‘Funny Headline’ Onions 10 wickets @ 30
Lily Allen thinks
he’s so cool. When in S.A.
he will rule the roost
7/10 (He did pretty good really, was very consistent)

Steve ‘Uh oh!’ Harmison 5 wickets @ 33
3 wickets on the
last afternoon, not enough.
Shit, please go away.
5/10 (Literally completely average. Best contribution was probably at Worcester when he exposed Hughes to the short ball)

1 Comment

Filed under Haiku Ratings

Swann Song: Graeme Logs in

swannMy 5th Test preview!!

Posted by Graeme Swann, Wednesday 19th August

Swannie here, England’s number one spinner and generally good bloke. I’m often compared to this hilarious chaps in the WKD adverts. Have I got a WKD side? I should say so! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Must tell Jimmy that one, Jimmy’ll love that, classic banter!!!

Anyway, the chaps have all been getting prepared for the big test and spirits are high after that hiccup in Leeds. I’ve been doing my best to keep the morale with my usual high jinks. For example, the other day Cooky was fresh out the shower and drying his face with a towel. I picked up a piping hot cuppa and proceeded to dip Cooky’s little man in it, or as we call it, ‘The little chef!’ Geddit, chef, cook. Classic banter!!! Jimmy’ll love that.

Cooky went mad and all the lads thought it was hilarious except cooky who jokingly threatened to drop me the second he was made skipper. Then stormed off to Flower’s office, not sure why he always goes there when I wind him up, probably to discuss technique or something.

Anyway, they can’t drop me anymore, I’m England’s number one. Plus my banter is second to none, the lads love it, especially at the start of a day’s play. I’ll be there, winding up Straussy that he’s gonna fail to build on his overnight score again, then rubbing it right in when he comes back having added nothing. HA HA. Classic banter. Straussy clearly loves it though as he’s promoted me to honorary spokesman of the team.

The SKY lot will come in when I’m playing ‘hide Monty’s turban’ or something and ask for someone to do an interview with Atherton. Strauss always volunteers me now without hesitation, ‘Piss off Swann and do the f**kin interview’ he says, great banter. I like having a chat with the camera’s and being ‘cheeky Graeme Swann’, everyone loves it. It’s ashame I have to miss out on all the banter in the dressing room before play though. In fact, I don’t think there’s much without me. Whenever I get back into the pavilion all the lads look bloody depressed. They miss the Swann’s presence clearly.

People think there must be some animosity between me and Monty, what with me taking his place and all, but that’s far from the case. I’m always there making jokes with him about his turban and calling him the ‘turbanator’, much funnier than the ‘Shermanator’, although American Pie is a classic film. In fact, I think I was the one who made him play so well on that final day in Cardiff. Many a time the skipper felt like his resolve was flagging so he sent out twelthy and the physio to remind him that I was waiting for him in the dressing room and he applied himself again. That’s the Swann factor, oh my god, we should do that. Make a show like the X-Factor but where people try to be like me, classic, must tell Jimmy about that one!!!
Right, I’m off now to listen to some Oasis, Wonderwall is clearly the best tune of eva!!! Jimmy thinks that Blur are better, what a fool!

Graeme Swann is an England Test cricketer, you can follow his twitter here.  The fee from this column has been donated to charity.

Leave a comment

Filed under Swann Song: Graeme Logs in