Tag Archives: The Shermanator

Ian Ronald Bell MBE’s Ashes Tour Diary – Fifth Test, First Day

bellNumber 3: The Mistress I so Lament; So close, yet so far

Posted by Ian Bell, Thursday 20th August

“If I should meet thee After long years, How should I greet thee? – With silence and tears” – Lord Byron

This prose, this stunning eloquent prose, an excerpt from Lord Byron’s incomparable ‘When We Two Parted’, seemed exceptionally apt as I rekindled my squalid affair with that most buxom of mistresses: the England no. 3 spot.  Never has your humble narrator, I. R.,  ever scored a sacred three-figure tally.  I lament.

“Butterflies in the stomach” would perhaps be the most gargantuan of underestimations: indeed; the nerves set upon like one thousand of God’s most beautiful butterflies, haunting my insides with their flaunting fluttering wings, tickling the inner most sanctum of my stomach.

I believe some of these vain monsters even bore the wicked face of that beast, MG Johnson.

So, no. 3, my most wicked of lovers, how should I greet thee?  Indeed, it was with silence!  It was with tears!  A wicked silence to stun all those that bowl; no tears of salty water, these tears were filled with pure anger!  Tears crammed with the wrath of I. R. Bell!

Needless to say, with Byron’s words a-ringing true around my ears, and with my eyes gently weeping, I knew this would be it: I. R. would tame this damned mistress of no. 3.  Batting started as rocky as the rockiest boats in the most of rockiest seas, MG Johnson, the beast who be, snarling in with the most unsporting of intents: to knock the head off of this very I. R. Bell.
Plain sailing from there however, as 72 of the most sumptuous I. R. Bell runs were scored all round.  If this form continues, Warne will be soon calling me the ‘scorerunsinator’, or something equally witty.

Let us not dwell on that most of futile of futile dismissals, all but my round cranium now knows is that the second innings will have to be the time I finally tame the mistress with a century.  Bring it on.

Ian Ronald Bell MBE is an England Test cricketer, you can follow his twitter here.  The fee from this column has been donated to charity.

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‘Shermanator’, the jokes on them

It is impossible to not think of Ian Bell now without remembering the nickname that Shane Warne gave him in 2005, “The Shermanator”. This obscure reference to the American Pie movie had the likes of Brearly, Selvey and Atherton baffled. So they went away and promptly did their research and before we knew it Atherton was telling us that,

“Although ‘the Shermanator’ is seen as something of a loser, the Aussies should remember that, eventually, he gets the girl.”

The Leading Edge could not help but be upset by the fact that Athers had been reduced to such degrading references. The worst thing to happen to the ginger lancastrian since Sky asked him to introduce ‘Willow and Stumpy’. Maybe we are stereoptyping, but we always thought Athers was more of a Telegraph and Radio 4 man.

Surely more comical is the fact that the entire Australian team, most of them over 30 in 2005, all got together to watch a film aimed at teenagers then continued to teeter about its various quips the next day like schoolboys in the playground.

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