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Swann Song: Graeme Logs in

swannMy 5th Test preview!!

Posted by Graeme Swann, Wednesday 19th August

Swannie here, England’s number one spinner and generally good bloke. I’m often compared to this hilarious chaps in the WKD adverts. Have I got a WKD side? I should say so! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Must tell Jimmy that one, Jimmy’ll love that, classic banter!!!

Anyway, the chaps have all been getting prepared for the big test and spirits are high after that hiccup in Leeds. I’ve been doing my best to keep the morale with my usual high jinks. For example, the other day Cooky was fresh out the shower and drying his face with a towel. I picked up a piping hot cuppa and proceeded to dip Cooky’s little man in it, or as we call it, ‘The little chef!’ Geddit, chef, cook. Classic banter!!! Jimmy’ll love that.

Cooky went mad and all the lads thought it was hilarious except cooky who jokingly threatened to drop me the second he was made skipper. Then stormed off to Flower’s office, not sure why he always goes there when I wind him up, probably to discuss technique or something.

Anyway, they can’t drop me anymore, I’m England’s number one. Plus my banter is second to none, the lads love it, especially at the start of a day’s play. I’ll be there, winding up Straussy that he’s gonna fail to build on his overnight score again, then rubbing it right in when he comes back having added nothing. HA HA. Classic banter. Straussy clearly loves it though as he’s promoted me to honorary spokesman of the team.

The SKY lot will come in when I’m playing ‘hide Monty’s turban’ or something and ask for someone to do an interview with Atherton. Strauss always volunteers me now without hesitation, ‘Piss off Swann and do the f**kin interview’ he says, great banter. I like having a chat with the camera’s and being ‘cheeky Graeme Swann’, everyone loves it. It’s ashame I have to miss out on all the banter in the dressing room before play though. In fact, I don’t think there’s much without me. Whenever I get back into the pavilion all the lads look bloody depressed. They miss the Swann’s presence clearly.

People think there must be some animosity between me and Monty, what with me taking his place and all, but that’s far from the case. I’m always there making jokes with him about his turban and calling him the ‘turbanator’, much funnier than the ‘Shermanator’, although American Pie is a classic film. In fact, I think I was the one who made him play so well on that final day in Cardiff. Many a time the skipper felt like his resolve was flagging so he sent out twelthy and the physio to remind him that I was waiting for him in the dressing room and he applied himself again. That’s the Swann factor, oh my god, we should do that. Make a show like the X-Factor but where people try to be like me, classic, must tell Jimmy about that one!!!
Right, I’m off now to listen to some Oasis, Wonderwall is clearly the best tune of eva!!! Jimmy thinks that Blur are better, what a fool!

Graeme Swann is an England Test cricketer, you can follow his twitter here.  The fee from this column has been donated to charity.

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